


The Never Ending Cycle

by Big_Honkin_Soup



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: AU Where Byleth Keeps Reliving Her Life, Angst, Byleth has Given Up, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Depression, F/F, F/M, Female My Unit | Byleth, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I have no idea where this is going, Mental Health Issues, Not Beta Read, Slow Burn, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, This is kinda dark, Violence, i was really tired when i wrote this, rated it mature to be safe, spoilers for all routes, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-02-23 14:44:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23713156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Big_Honkin_Soup/pseuds/Big_Honkin_Soup
Summary: Byleth is trapped in an AU where whenever she dies, she is forced to relive her life from the day she meet the students of Garreg Mach. She remembers everything, from the good times to the worst. Is there any way to end this torturous cycle?
Relationships: Mentions of My Unit | Byleth/Everyone, My Unit | Byleth/Claude von Riegan
Comments: 5
Kudos: 49





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I wrote this really late one night and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Please let me know if you are interested in more!

Life had become a living hell for Byleth. She had lost count of how many years she had lived. How many life times. She barely remembered her first life, desperately she clung to the few remaining memories she did have. 

That life was a simpler one, she had taught the Golden Deer house, felt she fit in more with them at the time. She had fallen for Claude faster than she wanted to admit, marrying him after they won the war, uniting Almyra and Fodlan. Times became peaceful and she spent the rest of her days with Claude and their two children. She barely remembered their faces, fought back tears at the thought. She had loved them so much, had 5 grandchildren to call her own as well. A prosperous family, yet their faces became a blurry to Byleth. She remembers her first time dying, the only memory that was clear as day. She was an old woman, though she aged slower than her husband. Life had worn her out, especially in her younger years, and it had finally taken its toll. Her heart ached, as well as her whole body, but she felt comfortable, laying in the arms of her loving husband. Every breath was a struggle, but she fought to get her words out. A simple declaration of love. She remembered Claude's face as she slipped away, smiling at her, aged eyes filled with love and tears. She remembered his thumb, wrinkled with age, gently caressing her face and remembered the blackness, all consuming. 

When she breathed again, she felt young again. Only to realize that she was in fact young again. Back in Remire village. Back before she met the students of the officer's academy. Those first few years were some of the hardest. At first it felt like a dream, she was so confused and had an awkward reunion with Claude, who now didn't recognize her. That life time was strange. She relieved her life the same as the first, mainly keeping to herself and crying, only confining in Claude after many months. He fell in love with her a second time and Byleth willed away her strange memories of another life with him. Things ended around the same as her first life. 

Her third and fourth drove her insane, but she endured them, unsure of herself and trying to rekindle her flame with Claude each time. She made it through her third, the relationship a bit rough due to Byleth's weakened mental state, but Claude had tried to support her as best he could. Her fourth ended much earlier than the previous lives she lived. They were just about to end the war with the Empire. Her relationship with Claude was distant and rough. Complicated feelings mixed with what was once simple love. Claude tried to get through Byleth's hard shell she had formed, but he had little luck. Still, Byleth would do anything for him, including taking an arrow to her heart instead of his. She wondered if that was the key, something other than age killing her as Claude grasped on to her, confused and panicking, exclaiming questions about why she so willingly gave her life to save his. 

She couldn't continue on the way she had in her fifth life. She joined in with Edelgard. Let the rage she felt fill her, she started to blame the church and blame Sothis for this, helping Edelgard rid the world of them. When she looked upon Claude's face she forced herself to hate him. Seeing if living would hurt less. She went as far as ending his life herself, breaking down right after and regretting it all. That night was the first night she took her own life. 

She tried again following Edelgard. Willed herself to live a normal life as best she could. She grew close to Edelgard, found herself falling for her and letting herself love her. Their relationship was sweet and passionate. She grew to like being alive again. She remembered her first time dying with Edelgard. Her body had become weak, they were rather old at this point and Byleth had aged faster, having the burden of Sothis removed from her heart. She was out for her afternoon walk with El, who had aged with more grace than Byleth. Her heart was what betrayed Byleth, ironically, and she had a heart attack, dying as Edelgard tried to save her. 

The next life was fast, the first thing she did was run far away from the village and stab directly into her heart, hoping to be released from the never ending nightmare. 

Her next few lives were dedicated to Edelgard mainly, though after a few she found Jeritza could help her with her sadness. Something about his intense emotions matched her fixation with death and it clicked for her, that life was wild. She did so much with Jeritza, they grew to be known as the Dark Knights, traveling the world in hunt of a new enemy. 

After that life she was hollow. Decided to join Dimitri, even though she knew where his life would lead him. It hurt her every time to witness his descent into madness. She struggled with his hatred of Edelgard, felt relieved when he finally came around, becoming a great man. It hurt when Edelgard changed into that monster. She couldn't bring herself to kill her though, letting Dimitri instead. Only afterwards did she tell him about her many lives. He stayed by her side and helped her to try to heal, and she eventually felt again, letting herself be with Dimitri for a few lifetimes.

She lived a countless amount of lives. In some she told others about what she went through, others she did not. She spent lives with everyone, trying desperately to find a will to live again in each. Every student, every teacher, every life a different path, but none of them freed her from her prison. She went through many suicidal streaks. She tried everything. Running away from Garreg Mach, those lives always ended quickly, tried to prevent the war, tried so many different things it was impossible to remember them all. Each time she tried to drastically change things, she would die soon after. 

When she awoke once more at Remire village. She felt defeated and wished for actual death. She lay there, listening to the distant sounds of the other people in her mercenary group getting ready for the day. She knew her father would come get her up soon, but she wanted nothing more than to lay there forever. 

Her heart ached for her first life and she let herself think about Claude again. She missed him, just as she grew to miss everyone else, but something about the ache she felt for Claude stood out. Perhaps it was because he was her first love. 

She saved the three students in almost record time, after all she had spent what felt like thousands of years training and fighting. Her father made the same remark about how she seemed to have drastically improved over night and how he was impressed. 

She walked silently with them to Garreg Mach. Listening to the students banter, trying not to cry. She had loved each of them with all of her heart at some point, a fragment of that love remained in her. She had made a pact with herself to never revisit a past love, though she ran out of options the universe would allow for her. She tried other people, a tavern worker whose smile was like sunshine, the Gatekeeper, who was always so nice to her and always supportive, a man from Abyss who was a refugee from Brigid. She always died soon after falling in love with those people. So she spent the past four lives alone. 

She accepted her position as teacher, deciding to teach the Golden Deer once more. She retired to her room as quickly as possible, ignoring Sothis's remarks about how different Byleth was all of a sudden and how lazy it was for her to be laying in bed at 5. Even Sothis didn't remember the many lives. She would have a talk with her later. One good thing is that the goddess was always understanding and willing to believe Byleth. She always became a lot nicer after the talk, but Byleth was too exhausted for it right now. 

She pressed into the mattress, many memories popping into her head from many different nights. One with Felix, who snuck in frequently to hold her close while they slept, one with Bernie, who had a nightmare about her father and couldn't sleep. Another with Dedue, who watched over her when she was sick. Byleth forced those memories away, and the countless others that tried to creep in. 

She didn't know how long she lay there, didn't remember when she started crying, only that she was startled by the knock on her door and realized it was dark outside. 

She reluctantly got up, and slowly opened her door.

"Hey Teach, Jeralt sent me to check in on you. Something about how you weren't at dinner and he thought maybe you were mad at h beca-" Claude paused, startled to see that Byleth was crying, a painful expression across her face. "Uh, are you okay?"

She didn't know what to say as she looked at Claude. He was so young again, so full of life and mischief. Before the pains of war and of life ate away at him. She longed for him to hold her close, longed for the days when his strong arms wrapped around her at night as her head rose and fell with the gentle rise and fall of his chest. How long has it been since then? 

"I'm… I'm fine." She managed to choke out, trying and failing to stop crying. 

"That's not a very convincing lie. I know we just met, but do you want to talk about something? I'm a surprisingly good listener." He gave her a wink and a smile.

'And forever too curious for your own good.' she added in her head, knowing his more selfish tendencies he had when he was younger. He wanted to get a beat on her, learn why Rhea trusted her seemingly out of the blue.

"I'm not surprised. If you truly wish, come in." She opened the door wide enough for him to enter and he did, his facial expression carefully guarded and she guessed at the many thoughts that could be going through his head. 

She sat on her bed and motioned for him to do the same. He sat, Byleth could tell from knowing him so well that he was a bit uncomfortable, but hiding it pretty well. 

"So, Teach. What's making you cry?" 

Byleth let out a weak laugh. "I am debating whether to tell you or not. I know you are dying from curiosity, about a lot of things, but I also know you will have a hard time both believing and understanding what I will say."

He gave her a puzzled look. "You never know until you try. I give out good advice… sometimes."

Byleth sighed, not caring enough to try to hide anything. "I have spent the last hundreds of years reliving my life from today until the day I die. I have seen countless different paths, each time dying and reawakening again. It's agony being alive."

Claude stared at her for a moment, before letting out a breathy chuckle. "Good one, Teach. I knew I would like you. But for real, I am happy to listen to you if you need to get something off your chest."

Byleth was less than shocked at his response, after all she had had this talk with him several times already. "No one else remembers, but I do. It's all so overwhelming and crushing. I guess crying is the only thing I can do at this point."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"Look I know we just met, so you don't know me that well, but I'm not that gullible. It's fine if you don't want to tell me, I'll leave."

He started to get up, but Byleth caught his arm. "I can prove it to you." She swallowed, not wanting to be alone.

"Fine." He sat back down, facing her with a skeptical look.

"Your name isn't Claude, but Khalid."

He looked shocked, eyes open wide. "How did you learn about that?!"

"You come from the royal bloodline in Almyra, but due to your Fodlan blood from your mother, along with some other complicated family issues, you aren't really recognized as a legitimate heir to the throne. So you decided to head to the Leicester Alliance, as your grandfather is Duke. Only a year ago you were recognized as his heir."

"I will admit, you know a lot about me that is not public knowledge, but still. How do I know you are not just some assassin after my life who was well informed? Or that you aren't some crazy stalker, these details are possible to find out, even if difficult."

"I could tell you personal details about every student here. Even every teacher. Not because I am crazy and learned all of this to start assassinating people, but because I have spent at least a lifetime with them. I know things about you that you have never told anyone else."

"I find that more than hard to believe."

"Once, when you were about 6, you found a baby wyvern out in a field, it's wing was torn off and you brought it to your father. He could tell it was infected and didn't have long to live, so he decided to put it down, but you didn't let him. Instead you ran away with the wyvern, deep into a nearby forest. You quickly got lost and soon a pack of wolves found you. You tried desperately to fend then off but one caught you by the leg, another snatching the dying wyvern and quickly killing it. They were about to do that same to you when your dad arrived, saving you. You have a small scar on your left calf from the incident. You only told me about it because we were up late one night, helping one of your wyverns who sprained her wing at night. There's also another story about one of the first nights you arrived at Derdriu. You were out on a walk on the docks, it was pretty late into the evening and no one else was around. You misstepped and fell directly into the water. You always laughed at yourself for that one, you had told me when we visited Derdriu again in our late 20s. Would you like a third story?"

Claude stared at her a bit dumb founded. Byleth smiled at the memory and realized she wasn't crying anymore, though still very sniffly. 

"How the hell do you know all of that?" Claude's voice was filled with confusion and a small amount of fear. 

Byleth gave him a sad smile. "Like I said, I've lived many lives. It's okay, I don't expect you to believe me. Not yet. I'll tell you about the next four months, the major events that no one else knows about. Maybe after those have passed you'll find yourself believing me." She told him about the next four months at Garreg Mach, describing in detail about the missions Rhea would assign them, telling him about Lonato and Miklan. 

"Well, I am tired Claude. I did die just yesterday and waking up again is exhausting." She ignored the look of 'you're crazy' that Claude shot her. She got up and ushered him towards the door. "I promise to answer any questions you may have in time, but for now I want to get some sleep. Good night Claude and please take care of yourself. Don't stay up so late all the time, worrying about your plans will do nothing but cause you unnecessary stress. I'll see you tomorrow." With that she shut the door, slowly returning to her bed to get some sleep. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> decided to add another chapter and keep the story going! I don't know how regular I will update this one, I've just been writing it when inspiration for it strikes me!

They had just come back from a crushing victory for the Golden Deer after the first mock battle. Byleth could have single handedly defeated every student from the other houses, but she let her students join in for the practice. It was almost amusing how bad they all were in the beginning. They all learned so much as their lives continued on, each one gained so much knowledge from years of battling. But they hadn’t even taken down their first bandit group yet and Bylet could tell.

The houses had gotten together that night for a feast and Byleth relectuantly showed up. Not even a week ago, more than half of the students she dined with were dead, lost long ago to the war. She had been left alone, living a solitary life as archbishop while Dimitri reigned as king over all of Fodland. Those who remained in the monastery tried to cheer her up, especially Flayn, but the emptiness she felt left nothing but a small frown on her face. Her death came to her about 15 years after the war ended. She had been reckless, fighting a group of monsters that had roamed too close to the monastery. Seteth had argued with her to send the knights to get them, but Byleth refused, leaving to take care of them herself. She felt it was her duty to protect Garreg Mach, but more importantly she craved the mind numbing battle. The feeling of putting her life at risk. She fell in battle after killing four of the beasts, one had jumped behind her, letting out a viscous growl. She subconsciously rubbed the back of her neck at the spot a giant canine had grabbed a hold of her seconds before her death. 

“So, the new professor not only can recite every detail of my life back to me, but also can fight so well that even the most talented knight in all of Fodlan would have trouble against her.” Claude sat down to Byleth’s right. “After leading everyone in the most efficient way, using our advantages in a perfect way while minimizing our disadvantages after knowing us for a few days, she sits alone in the back corner at a feast filled with excitement and laughter.”

Byleth sighed down at her barely touched food. “What is it you want Claude?” Her voice was surprisingly small.

“What’s your deal? You’re far too trained to be just some mercenary. Even if your father is the famous captain Jeralt, you’re too skilled for being… How old are you? 20?”

“Yeah, sounds about right. Look Claude, if I were here to kill you, you would already be dead.” She looked over at him, his composure was that same kind of relaxed he had trained himself so well to be. The same relaxed that Byleth could see right through. His eyes were searching her, trying to figure out who exactly she was. 

“Maybe I’m not your target.”

“Whoever it would be, from what you’ve seen they would clearly no longer be alive.”

“Perhaps what you are after isn’t a person, but information.”

“Really? I thought I already proved to know anything I would want to know about everyone here.”

“Well, no. Sure you claimed to know information, but the only one you proved to know is me.” Claude ate while he talked, again in an effort to not let it slip through how unnerved he was by Byleth.

 _‘Oh great, I should never had opened my stupid mouth. Getting Claude to trust me now is going to be even more difficult than normal. Why did I have to say anything, I should have just never mentioned anything.’_ “Fine, ask me about anyone.”

Claude took a moment to survey the room. “How about Felix, he seems closed off.”

“What about Felix do you want to know.” Byleth looked over at Felix, he was sandwiched between Ingrid and Sylvain, who were currently arguing. Byleth couldn’t hear what they were saying but could guess it was about Sylvain’s skirt chasing. Felix was silently fuming. They all looked so young. 

“Hm… Tell me about his family.”

“Well, for starters his father is Rodrigue Achille Fraldarius. He’s a decent man, but their relationship is rocky at best. Felix had an older brother, Glenn, but he died during the Tragedy of Duscur. His mother…” Byleth paused. “Well, I am afraid I have no right to tell you. That is something only Felix can decide who to tell.” 

“Fair enough. When is his birthday?”

“20th of the Pegasus Moon.”

“Ok, now tell me something a little harder to find out.”

“This one will take some time, but he has a soft spot for cats. In about two weeks, every night after dinner he will sneak off, making sure no one is following him. He will head over to behind the stable and feed a small grey cat, who he will name Buttons.”

“Really? Felix naming a cat Buttons?”

“Yeah.” Byleth smiled a bit. “According to him, she likes to play with the buttons on his vest.”

“Well, Teach. To be honest I don’t think you are here to kill anyone. But I still don’t know what exactly you are getting at.” 

She looked over at him, a memory popping into her head. They were just married, must have been maybe a week since their first wedding. They decided to honeymoon down south, staying in a small cottage on the beach. Claude had just returned from the store. _‘I still don’t know what exactly you are getting at. Hiding away from me like this. Do you plan on scaring your poor husband? What is my heart has become weak with age and you cause me to die from fright on the stop!’_ Byleth had to hold back a giggle at Claude over the top acting, clutching his chest in a dramatic manner. She was hiding beside a bookshelf, waiting for him to get close enough. Jumping out at just the right time to cause him to jump back. _‘Hey! Not fair, I knew you were hiding from me!’ ‘Yeah, well I still scared you!’_ He had pulled her into an embrace, both of them laughing, giddy and happy with life. Her hands cupped his face.

Her hands cupped his face as she kneeled on the cold hard ground. The sound of waves all around her. Numbness spread through her body. Blood stained her hands. His blood. His wyvern lay unmoving nearby. His chest no longer rose and fell with breath, his eyes a lifeless stare. She could feel his warmth slipping away. Edelgard called out to her, but Byleth did not hear her words. She reached a shaky hand out to slowly close Claude’s eyes before breaking down into tears, crying into his chest where the sword wound over his heart made Byleth want to throw up.

“Hey, are you okay?” 

Byleth was ripped from her memory, now looking at a young Claude, full of life again.

“You’re crying.”

Byleth raised a hand to her cheek. Sure enough it was wet. She wiped away her tears and forced herself to regain composure. It had been so long since then, yet the memory still caused her to cry. “Sorry, nothing but a sad memory.” 

They ate the rest of their meal in silence before Byleth excused herself. Being around everyone was too much, she needed some air. She made her way towards the dock.

“Professor!”

Hadn’t her heart been through enough for one night, why must the world send Edelgard her way. 

“Oh hello Edelgard.” How many times had Byleth had to take her life? Too many. Even after begging, the only way to get Edelgard to give up was with her death. Her skin seemed so flawless and porcelain in the twilight. Byleth had to harden her heart to Edelgard, for both of their sakes. It was this life's destiny for Edelgard to die, Byleth had to shove away any previous attachment that resurged.

“I wanted to talk to you about the battle and see if I could convince you to teach our house instead.”

* * *

The afternoon sun was warm and the grass she relaxed against was surprisingly soft. Her first day off since becoming a professor again. She wanted to just hide away in her room, it was too exhausting to interact with everyone. Only one thing could get her out into the sun and she was laying on a hill just outside the walls next to him. Her father. She quite literally had to drag him away from what Lady Rhea had set him to start working on. Jeralt was the only person Byleth could look at without feeling that familiar pain. She knew her time with him was limited, but she had grown to cherish having her father alive once again. The only up in a world full of downs.

“I haven’t seen you smile in… well ever really.”

“It’s just nice to spend time with you.”

“Ever since you got to the monastery, you’ve been acting differently. Not to mention I saw the way you fought during that mock battle. You were insane, I don’t remember teaching you all that. Hell, you could probably teach me a thing or two. Why were you hiding all that talent. Could have used that back when we had to turn tail in that cave in the Empire!”

“Sorry, dad. It’s complicated but let’s just say I’ve grown a lot.”

“Yeah, no kidding. But it’s nice to see you with emotions. Not that there was anything wrong with how you were before!”

“It’s ok dad. I know what you mean.” 

A few minutes passed, every now and then one of them would call out what a cloud looked like. Byleth believed they used to do this when she was little, but those memories were hard to recall.

Her face fell and Jeralt looked over. “Hey, dad. Can I talk to you about something?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“I may have said something that I regret to Claude and he doesn’t exactly trust me.”

“Claude? Why do you care about what that little brat thinks of you?”

“It’s complicated.”

Jeralt sat up. “Don’t tell me you’ve gone and gotten a crush on him! Byleth we’ve been here for a week. I know I said I’m glad you are being more emotional but really, the first guy who shows you a charming smile and you fall for it?”

Byleth sat up as well. “No no no. It’s not that. It’s more than just some crush-” Well that came out wrong. 

“More than a crush! Byleth! I swear if he laid a finger on my little girl!”

“No! Dad, shut up! Let me explain.” 

Jeralt crossed his arms and listened. “I can’t explain exactly everything to you, so I’m sorry this will be a bit vague. Let’s clear up that Claude and I are not a ‘thing’.” _‘At least not in this life right now.’_ “But the first night here, I was feeling… down and he came to check on me and I told him about why I was sad and his reaction was expected but I think I laid it on him way too soon and now he doesn’t exactly trust I am who I am.”

“Well, how can I help?”

“I guess some advice? Or words of reassurance?” 

“Well if I had to give any advice it would be to give it time. I’m sure he’ll come to see how trustworthy of a person you are. Or I could go have a little one on one with our little Riegan friend and I promise you he will have a change of heart about you.” He smacked his fist against his palm with that last part.

“I don’t think that will be necessary. But thank you, I just need to give it time. Like I always do.”

* * *

Two months passed by. They seemed impossibly long, yet felt like it lasted only a couple of days. Byleth felt a strange determination to try to live her life again, she had spent the past few lives a recluse, never really allowing herself to get close to any of the students. Now she felt desperate to convince as many to join her as possible. It was exhausting, but she tried to force herself to feel happy, or to at least appear to be in front of everyone else. She tried to be subtle with her actions. Giving a gift here and there. Returning lost items. Inviting the students to tea. She was able to get a few students to join the Golden Deer class, namely Sylvain, who was easy. Byleth just remembered to wear her more… flashy dress and he was in. She also got Mercedes, Linhardt and the students from the Abyss to join. She bonded well with the students in her class, at least with most of them. 

Claude remained distant, carefully keeping an eye on her. Even now, as she was walking to the greenhouse, he followed her. She sighed as she asked the worker about her flowers she had been growing. She was led to them and they were coming up beautifully, many of them ready to be picked already. She loved the convenience of the magical soil that allowed plants to grow so quickly. A beautiful rose bush was in full bloom. They were a deep shade of crimson. She snipped one of her favorites and headed back out, making her way to the training grounds, pretending to not notice that Claude followed her there as well. To be fair, he was well hidden, but she was able to predict him well. 

The man she was looking for was leaning against a pillar, half asleep as he watched a couple of students sparing. Byleth approached him, keeping the rose out of sight. She couldn’t help but feel amused at the black bow he tied his hair back with, unconsciously matching with Mercedes. 

“Are you here for a duel?” Boredom dripped off his low voice.

“Well, not exactly.” Byleth gave Jeritza a smile, knowing he wouldn’t return it. “I came to bring you this!” She pulled the rose out from behind her back.

Jertiza blinked down at it. “A rose?”

“Yeah. Just picked it especially for you.” 

Jeritza slowly moved his hand to take it. “I do like roses. Now would you join me for a duel?”

“I’m a little busy at the moment, but I can join you tomorrow if you wish.” 

“Tomorrow as soon as the clock strikes 11 in the morning. Do not be late.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it. Just prepare to lose.”

Byleth walked away from him, knowing full well that duelling with him was not exactly the best idea. More for his sake, he would really have to strain to keep it together, but Byleth knew she could win against him in case his demon decided to join in. 

Byleth set off down a random alleyway afterwards, turning down a couple before rounding a corner and pausing. Clever and silent footsteps still followed hers. She waited a few seconds to go back around the corner she just turned into. Claude was closer than she realised, originally she planned on catching him halfway down the alley, not right at the corner. Her forehead slammed into his nose, causing both of them to let out a slew of curse words. 

"Goddess, Claude. The hell are you doing?" She groaned, rubbing her forehead.

Claude clutched his nose, "I was just taking an afternoon stroll around."

"Really? On the exact same path as me in the middle of a maze of alleyways?" She placed a hand on her hip as she looked at him.

"Purely coincidence. I was just heading over to a local's house and knew a shortcut down a few alleys, take a left after the next one and I'm right where I need to be." His lie came out smooth, just like he was talking normally, answering a simple question. 

"Quit the bullshit Claude and just admit you've been following me." 

He narrowed his eyes at her. "Then quit yours as well. I know a fake smile when I see one, even if yours is almost spotless."

Byleth's face fell. Why did she feel so defensive all of a sudden? She looked at him and felt… almost sick. His expression hard and arms crossed, Byleth felt an urge of wanting to be comforted. Maybe she should just go and find someone else. Ingrid always gave our good hugs. She took a deep breath and collected herself again. 

"What's your ploy? Did you set Lanato up? How else would you have known about it and the letter with assassination plot on Lady Rhea? You know too much about what is going to happen, at least what you claim will happen. A so-called Death Knight will show up in the Holy Mausoleum. Right."

"Why would I set up Lanato and then also tell you the assassination plans are a fake and the real plan is the Mausoleum? What would I gain from that?"

He looked down at the ground, letting his annoyance shine through. "Why put up a front that you are all happy-go-lucky?"

"Well Claude. Maybe because I am a professor who's responsible for the lives of others. If I can be a positive person in my students lives then that is what I will be. Many of them need it. Besides, I need it myself. As you have noticed, my natural state right now is abysmal and, I don't know about you, but I'd rather be happy, even if it's fake."

"Every day for the past month and a half, Felix sees that cat Buttons. He actually named the cat Buttons." Claude looked at her, uncertainty and confusion clear on his face. 

"I know it's hard to believe Claude, but what I said is true. I've been forced to relive my life. Over and over. And there's a lot I have learned." She felt so small all of a sudden. Strangely vulnerable. 

"I- it doesn't seem like you are lying, but it's too hard to believe. There's gotta be some explanation. Something that makes sense." 

Sothis spoke in her head. 'Even I find it hard to believe Byleth, but I know that is what you truly believe. So it must be true. Give the boy some more time."

Byleth gave Claude a sad smile. "Keep tailing me if you wish Claude, I'm not up to anything dubious. I hope to one day earn your trust. I'm going to go do some errands." 

* * *

This was a bad idea. The overwhelming loneliness had set back in once more. She had dueled with Jeritza, beating him by disarming him. Making sure he quit fighting before going too far. She spent the past three days working like crazy, working to train her students as best she could, building friendships, even let out a genuine laugh. But this loneliness wasn't one friendship could cure. It was the kind she preferred to box away. Try to forget about. But she was tired. Tired of that feeling. Tired of being alive. 

Her heart ached for someone she couldn't have. Someone who didn't even exist yet. Perhaps that's why she was knocking on Sylvain's door, later than a professor should be visiting a student.

"Professor? What are you doing here?" It had taken him a few minutes to open the door, it was clear he had been sleeping, his hair messy, standing before her in nothing but a simple pair of pajamas pants. 

She slipped into his room, not bothering to answer him. At least not yet. A lonely smile spread across her face at a memory. It must have been before the war ended, after taking back Fhirdiad. She and Sylvain shared a laugh as they danced together to no particular beat. Both of them wanting an escape from the war. 

His room was mostly the same as it was then, only there were countless papers strewn about his desk, most likely love letters. She stood in front of him, gently pushing the door closed as she looked up at him. 

"What exactly did you want…" A hint of blush across his cheeks. It had been a long time since Byleth saw him blush. 

"You." A simple lie. Yet not really a lie. It was complicated. She wanted him, but not him. She loved him before, that feeling she killed. Killed that love she had. That love she felt for everyone. What she wanted… that love that refused to fully die. But he wasn't ready. He wasn't even real yet, the man she remembered. A man who trusted her, would do anything out of love for her. A man she shoved out of her mind as she reached up, lacing her fingers into the hair at the back of Sylvain's head. Thoughts she shoved away as she pulled Sylvain down towards her, meeting his lips halfway with her own. 

A surprised noise escaped from him. He pulled back, eyes searching hers. "Are you serious right now."

"Yes." 

"Oh there is a goddess." Sylvain mumbled as he pulled her further into the room. He sat on the edge of his bed, sheets still messed up from where he was sleeping. Byleth allowed herself to be pulled onto his lap, their mouths crashing together. The way his mouth moved was intoxicating, his tongue slipping into her mouth, pushing the kiss further and further. His hands run along her back and she let herself get lost in the physical touch. A part of her missed the way he loved. But this was not love, not from either of them. She silently thanked Sylvain for being the way he always was, at least who he was at first. Not having the time to grow as a person after only two months. 

Byleth broke the kiss to catch her breath and calm the dizziness she felt, his head fell forward, became buried into her neck as he planted hot kisses against her skin. Her eyes wandered to his bare chest, his shoulders still broad, his figure still fit, but his body was lacking the hard muscles built up during war. She gently moved his hand over a spot on his chest, tracing a scar that had not been placed on his smooth skin yet. He had a couple small ones across his body, but nothing like those he would receive. 

She wasn't sure how long she spent with Sylvain, giving herself over to his hands and mouth. There had been a position change, Sylvain now pressed down into her as she laid against his messy bed. A tugging at her shorts pulled her back to herself. 

"Wait. Sylvain. No." 

He stopped immediately, looking over her face a bit concerned. 

"Not that far."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I just… girls typically you know.. expect that kind of thing outta me. Especially this time of night." He was a bit confused and perhaps a bit embarrassed. 

Byleth let her hand soft move along his cheek. "I know. But that's not what I want." She gave him a reassuring smile. Pressed a gentle kiss on his soft lips, knowing it would be the last time for a long time. They shifted, led by Byleth. Now sitting side by side. "You are more than just your body Sylvain. Than just your crest." She gently made him look at her by laying a hand against his cheek. His expression was hard to read. 

"Forgive me, I acted selfishly visiting you like this. You're a good man Sylvain, don't let yourself be consumed by the pressure you feel because of how you were born. Let yourself set your own path for your life and love. Next month is going to be a rough one. Know that I am your friend and ally. Please just forget about tonight. I wish for your friendship and I acted out of place." 

He didn't try to win her over with sweet compliments, just stared at her unsure of what to say. 

"Have a goodnight Sylvain." She left as suddenly as she had arrived. Sylvain starring after her, wondering how she knew his feelings towards his own crest.

* * *

Claude's suspicion of Byleth was still high, she grew used to his shadow occasionally following her. Making sure she wasn't doing anything wrong. She didn't confront him about it again. Kept friendly with him during class. Forced her heart to push him aside for now. 

Sylvain spent a few days confused, unsure of which approach to use with her. Byleth was glad that he agreed to friendship and things seemed well with him. 

Another few weeks and her class had grown again. Caspar, Felix, and Annette now showing up to her lecturers. She floated on, a numbness she was used to. A loneliness she was used to. A smile much practiced. 

The 24th of the Blue Sea Moon. A sunny Thursday. Claude's birthday. How old was he now? 19? No 18. She didn't mention anything to him in class that day. No one brought it up, but she knew from overhearing other students he was not forgotten about, many wishing him a happy birthday during lunch or before class. At 2:30 class was ending. Most of her students were eager to leave, scurrying out as soon as the clock struck. Some, like Lysithea, would take their time to gather their things. Claude was one of those students. He looked up at her as she walked over. 

"Join me for some tea." Simply stated, not a demand, not a question. 

Claude agreed and Byleth led him to one of her favorite tea spots in a garden, not too many people were ever there so it would be quiet and peaceful. She stopped by to pick up what she needed from the kitchen, Claude helped her carry a few things and Byleth set the table once they arrived. She served Almyran Pine Needle tea, noticing a genuine smile from Claude when he realized. 

"I'm assuming this was another thing you knew about me." He said, taking a sip. 

"Caught me red handed. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Sorry if it seemed like I was avoiding mentioning it earlier, I just didn't want to distract the class." 'and I know you don't prefer a lot of attention on your birthday.' she added in her head.

"Thank you, Teach. Much appreciated."

"I also wanted to bring up our friendship. I know things are kinda weird, but I just wanted to extend a hand and see if you would be willing to extend one back. It's ok if you don't fully trust me right now, but let me prove myself. At least give it a shot." 

Claude relaxed back in his chair crossing his legs. "I dunno Teach, are you sure you can handle being friends with the one and only Claude von Riegan. Rumor had it that those who do are destined to fall madly in love." Was he really teasing her at that moment. It made Byleth smile. 

"I'll be sure to let Lorenz know." 

Claude almost spit out his tea and they shared a laugh. Maybe it was possible.


End file.
